FAQ: So you want to hire Santa

So. Your internal communications plan notes that Santa is to host your Christmas event this year, but you have some questions about the the cost, the reequirements and possible complications. Check out our down-to-earth FAQ for the answers to many of the questions you might have. Q: How much does Santa cost per hour?

A: Santa traditionally works for a rate of 7 cookies/hour + 1 glass of milk for every hour after the second, between 9 a.m. and 3 p.m. After 3 p.m., Santa's rates change to 4 shots of bourbon and 2 six minute "elf" breaks /hour.

Q: Does Santa come with his own costume?

A: Yes, due to federal laws, Santa Claus Inc. is required to provide a full and freshly pressed official Santa uniform.

Contrary to previous arrangements, we no longer offer specials on "Pantless Santa" appearances.

Q: Do we need additional liability insurance?

That depends if you assume responsibility for transporting Santa, his elves, the large red velour throne and faux panelled wood sleigh to your event. If Santa must deliver it in his 1977 Ford Bronco, we will require an indemnity waiver.

Q: Does Santa come with Reindeer?

A: Due to a tragic violation of federal airspace over LaGuardia Airport in New York, we have discontinued our reindeer rental service. There is, however, a sale on reindeer steaks at the Food King in Queens.

Q: Is there a weight limit for Santa's lap?

A: Be it boy, girl, man or woman, Santa likes 'em lean. Elf and waif sizes are also acceptable.

Q: Is Santa a holly jolly sort?

A: While our Santas are relatively kid-friendly, we believe in encouraging an open, honest and thoroughly festive environment for all party guests. Therefore, Santa is strictly professional and distant towards anyone under the age of 18. To engage Santa's full friendliness, have him interact with females from 18 - 22 years old.

Q: What are some examples of Santa's interaction with the kids?

A: Santa comes equipped with the traditional array of Santaisms including "Ho Ho Ho" and "Merry Christmas one and all."

For an additional 3 cookies and shot of bourbon per hour, Santa will ad-lib. Examples include:

"Reach into Santa's pants for a Christmas miracle"

"You call this crap eggnog?"

"You don't want that toy. It's made by kids your age in third world countries."

"I heard you've been a naughty, naughty girl this year. Care to show me how naughty?"

"Jebus? I don't even believe in Jebus!"

"You know that Santa on 14th Street? I made him my bitch last night"

Q: Is Santa available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs?

A: Bar Mitzvahs? Are you insane? Bat Mitzvahs, maybe.

Q: Can Santa answer the essential questions of the Universe, like: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

A: A woodchuck would chuck as much as a woodchuck could if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Q: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

A: The world may never know.

Q: Why is the sky blue?

A: If it were green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing.

Q: Can I get an culturally-representative Santa?

A: Of course! Santa is available to represent the season of giving in many cultures. If your "gift basket" for Santa includes some top shelf shit or a little blow, we'll paint the big guy freakin' green.

Q: Will Santa lead us in caroling?

A: No. Santa does not sing. He has enough problems of his own already.

Q: Will Santa's belly really shake like a bowl full of jelly?

A: Sadly, most of our Santas are not really fat. If anything, his belly shakes like a cheap felt suit full of padding. And smells like the dressing room from the Peoria Little Theatre performance of the Lion King.

Q: Is Santa cool if the shit goes down?

A: Absolutely. Santa comes fully equipped! When the shit goes down, Santa and his elf's got your back, yo. He's ready, willing and able. Even when drunk, Santa's one bad motha'.

Q: Did you notice that if you move the "n" in Santa to the end of his name, you get "Satan?"

A: We did not notice that. While it is interesting, this does not imply an endorsement, either directly or indirectly, for our beloved lord and master, Lucifer.