How can you take a loved family member from soaring excitement to soul-crushing pain and agony - in the space of ten minutes - on Christmas morning? Quite easily, actually. The first step is to give them an Ipod. The second step is to preload the Ipod with the worst playlist imaginable. Try using these tips from the SaltwaterPizza blog:
- Mix incompatible genres - Variety, variety, variety - Include "Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus - Be careful about groups with cult followings - One word: Nickelback - Use controversy to your advantage - Don't forget Disney! - Corporate America Sellouts - Add some Humperdinck - Annoy the CD lovers
By carefully selecting the songs available to your loved one and limiting access to any alternative title, artist, genre or equipment, you can spend hours watching your brother/sister/father walk around sullen and hamstrung, working themselves through the stages of denial and loss:
Denial: "No, no. That's fine. I'm sure the songs you picked out are great. After all, you DO know me so well."
Bargaining: "Listen - I know it's time for the turkey, but can I use your DSL line, just for fifteen minutes?" "The guy next door has 8 gig of songs? Well, maybe your neighbour DOES want to be disturbed on a day like this!"
Anger"But who the hell actually PAYS for MacArthur Park? Or Quando, Quando, Quando, for that matter!"
Despair: prolonged bouts of clicking and shuffling as your relative just stares at the Ipod, as if to will it to create a U2 playlist out of thin air.
Acceptance "You know, I never realized how much I really like Kajagoogoo's Too Shy. In its eclecticism, this playlist reveals the depth of your musical sophistication."